I feel like moving on with life. Im ready for a new chapter, a new story to write.

I'm done with this journal. 

the things in here are not me anymore. 

None of this is about you.
The wretched ache I feel inside.
The one thats making me so sick tonight.
It is a secret disposition you've forced upon me.
A direct result of you smothering yourself into me.
Take a step back, and let me go.
I'm not what I sold to you so long ago.
I am the monster that once was breathing inside of me.
I am my own untamed force, UNLEASHED.

-my own words.

No matter how far you are from home, no matter how mant lines in the road separate you from something you call farmilair.

Just know its there waiting for you, and you will always and can come back to it.
It is home, and its waiting for you.

I've always and never had somebody to lean on, but if it wasn't for her, I would be who I am today. I love you.

Lately I have felt a great shift in the season, and a tremendous connection with the being inside of myself. I suppose having a near death experience will also jar ones self into being more "awake". I rolled my truck last thursday.

I'm still dealing with the repercussions of this. but i will make it through. No matter how difficult, I always do.

I cant get over how rich and wholesome my entire environment seems lately. To live and breathe almost seems to be gluttony. I think I should be fairly distressed right now, wich I am. but I'm terribly happy with things in life. I accept that certain things happen for a reason. there is nothing more or less you can do about it. Just take it how it is, and if you dont like the outcome, change it.

Everything is fruiting or blooming on this farm and its wonderful.

I feel like my life is being lived as a film sometimes, things seem too surreal and beautiful to be capable of existing as such in a "normal" world.

So Breathless..

A spontanieous night to say the least.. But im feeling loads better. Im still coughing a ton, but i can deal with that, in trade for feeling like death.

Danni came over for a while this evening, and we talked about stuff.. i txted her around..7? and felt really bored and lonely. It so nice she got her license. Talked about horses, and school, and doing her Hair. Shes coming back over for me to do her hair tomorrow.. I really like to do other peoples hair, but when it comes to mine, fuck it.

Im thinking im ready to start poking holes in my face again. ive got to needles, and the jewelry. I just need to grow another pair and fucking do it already.. I cant stand not having all the holes i use to have. especially in my ears.
..Maybe im just crazy, or not crazy enough..whatever.

Im going to Chicago on Saturday for the Project Pitchfork show with Mama J, Demo and Shaun.. Im so horribly excited. Afterwards were all going to Neo. Ive never been to a bigger club before, and im a little intimidated. I ordered some new clothes for this weekend, so hopefully they will be here by then. How did I ever become so vain?

I think im going to start working on art again..

 Im so fucking sick right now its not even funny.
On the way home from the club tonight (i was graciously drug out there via my girls), i began coughing up chunks of blood. I suspect its from my throat..

My fever is back, and i do belive i did myself no favors even attempting to dance, or for that matter function beyond my bedroom this evening.

fuck. my. life.

Been laying in bed reading "Wet Moon", by ross campbell.. If your into graphic novels, check it out. hell, check it out even if your not.


Sitting here waiting for my tea, and miso to cool. solid food is not my friend. I kind of want to die alot right now.
My grandma is going to trick me into going to the doctor again, i just know it. I HATE doctors. Although i started taking Zicam when i got home, a sad thing.. I have been unable to taste since yesterday, However i could taste the Zicam, OH LORD is it NASTY.

my snot is bright yellow and green too! HOW FESTIVE!

my chest hurts, my back hurts.. i cant freakin' breathe.

I onyl get sick once or twice a year, but this year has been full of FAIL on that part. Grandma thinks i have mono again, but this is for sure something else.. its NASTIER.

I suppose it never occurs to me to pour it all out here, until its all passed, these days.

The inner turmoil i feel every time i dig deep within myself in attempt to feel (or feel less)..or understand an emotion better is enough to tear me in two.

I just want to throw myself to the floor, if only i could understand. If only this could be justified. If only i could go back in time. Im seeing everything in slow motion, and its so irritating, so frustrating. Everything, so slow, but i still cant grab it. I cant stop it. I cant keep it.
..its just gone, been there and still gone.

I feel like im crucifying myself on my own terms. stretched across something blunt and cold. I did this for me, and in a way i did it for them. But more for myself. Im always bringing myself more pain than is necessary, i suppose in hopes of deterring any infliction, from any angle. (spare me, im hurt already)

Everything is exploding in front of me, and nobody else is seeing the brilliance of the pieces falling down, charred and splintered. crumbling to ash as they connect with anything solid. Its so hard to watch it all go down, knowing i was the one who set it all ablaze.

If i look over my shoulder I can see through the haze, whats left. and i know im walking slowly away from it all. brush the bits off my shoulder and face the direction im going. Its nothing, and all the wounds can be glued shut repeatedly until they heal. there isnt enough blood in the world that would make me admit I was wrong in leaving, anything.

I know if i turn around one more time, if i hear that music even in my head.. i'll reconsider.

It comes as no surprise to me, now that I look it up; we have had a surplus of hawks on my farm the past few months. It had me a bit worried, because in the past they have stood for nothing but negativity and bad omens. (unfortunately it seems that lately all this place is, is negativity).

a direct quote from what I was ready about the symbolism on hawks;
(in particular, red tails)Ah, and now it all seems just far too relevant; the constant hurt in the sacral/ base are of my back and spine, my persistant second-guessing thoughts on what im doing with myself (truth be told im so far off my chosen path at this moment). Physically and emotionally, because ive done so much wrong and opposite, ive been a wreck..

Any normal person might be "freaked out" by how relevant all of that is. However I'm finding a great deal of comfort in this.

And its funny that the number "14" and "temprance" was mentioned, because I consistantly draw this card when i do readings on myself. I have been very confused as how to interpret it.
..now i know.

And now I know what must be done, as upset as its going to make some people, and as hard as its going to be for myself.
On another note; im considering actually blogging again. wow..

I have successfully gone from listening to :

Hanson

..Embedding was disabled for this, LAME!

To Radiohead



To Aestheic perfection (Thank you Demo<3)



My mind must be.. nevermind, I already know my bits and pieces arent quite screwed in right.

This weekend has been such a clusterfuck of brilliant that its indescribable in words. Writing only would make it seem watered down and exacerbated. I'm just utterly happy with, things right now.

Tomorrows outlook looks sunny with a forecast for more awesome. Mama J wants to take Emily and I swimming again, and then were going to Nekro in the evening. Where i get to see more people who i like.

I cant believe its been a week already. Time seems to be flying by.. i realized today when I was driving home, our county fair is approaching really fast. The kids will be going back to school soon and summer will be over before we know it. It seems like just a month ago it was the end of may and I was getting ready for Sacred Earth. Now its damn near the end of July.
..where has it all gone?

I look back and I have built some of my fondest memories to date, this summer. I have neglecting writing about them, because i dont need to. They are all so glorious i dont need to tell the world, they are MY thoughts and my memories. they fill me with such glee! I feel more complete and at peace then I have in the entirety of my existence. Its like having magic powers.

So much has changed, and so much has changed in me. Its hard to even think of looking the girl i was in the eye. Shes gone, but i cant believe i was her, ever. Every time i see myself in a mirror i smile a little. because im not afraid of my own reflection anymore. IM not scared anymore. and I dont need anybody else or anything to define who I am.

And I never seem to be in between. Im either all or nothing, on or the other.
Ive always said I could never settle on happy medium level.

I cant sleep tonight, hell I cant even lay down. the slightest thought of doing so makes my back go into fits. So ive been sitting here for the past 2 hours making single-ended dreads from the KK I ordered back in (feb?). Ive got 4 black/ platinum candycanes done.. I think i wont need more that 20 on my whole head..or whats left of it.. (P.s., I shaved my head).
And looking at handguns online.
yea, im badass.
Actually, i have a desire to have one should I need it out here (alone) some night in the boonies..and I kinda wanna shoot things. Not gonna deny it.

I feel like im getting caught back up on the things I left behind to act like a jackass, and I feel like im regaining control of the tedious and bothersome situations in my life. I do have one giant issue going on right now, but im too scared to even mention what it is, or could be right now. That is my ONLY stress factor right now, beyond finding a "supplemental" job should this website not bring more business my way. I just need to try harder at myself, and i'm sure it will all be fine. Money is exceedingly tight right now, and Dustins car has been overheating so he has been taking my truck to work. awesome. yea, that bothers me too..

this entry is already fairly scatterbrained. fuck it.

Went out to Nekro with Jamie, Emily (& Ray, her current squeeze), and Demo. I had a fucking BLAST, and for once was sober. it was really bizarre but I was having so much fun I barely realized I was. Demo and Jamie kept me dancing as much as possible and I was drenched in sweat by the end of the night. I had to keep running to the bathroom to clean it out of my eyes, but my damn makeup stayed on! (Bless you Urban Decay!). On the way home Jamie insisted we make an emergency stop at a 4 way intersection to run out of the car, across the street and up a hill, so tha we could roll DOWN the hill ( Roll hills not Pills Kids!).. and i have to say thats not something i would normally do but i was in a "fuck it im so damned happy" mood. Seriously, I would never do that sober.
wait, yes I would.
It just made me so fucking elated that there is another person who is crazy enough out there (despite her being slightly intoxicated) that would roll down a hill with me at 2am! granted, we rolled right into the street, but i didnt give a flying FUCK. I was laughing, covered in grass and having so much damned fun I totally forgot myself for a few moments.

And before Nekro, Jamie, Emily and I went to ghetto pool and floated around.. well, I swam around some.

so yesterday was pretty damned amazing in my book. Just the thing I needed to feel a little less stressed and alot more happy. I would have been glad to ride today, but of course it started sprinkling right as the sun was setting.

tonight would be a night i would disappear into this curious cool night air, and not give a second glance at the city behind me.
all its people and all its outstretching lights. reaching out like arms into my dark world. my home. those people get closer.

I have little gas, and less money. and a very disturbed demeanor as of this moment. so im stuck here, at home. Tired but not tired enough to sleep. Frustrated without good reason, and filled with self- contempt. There is more, but it has less flavor.

I tend to push things away when I need them the very most. or when I feel like i'm going to actually create something worthwhile. Its been a life long habit, this quitting while i'm ahead. I get scared, I get mad. Or worse I start to feel.
Worse is when I expose myself without realizing what Ive done. Let myself be open to somebody, and it leaves me feeling naked and frightened to my uttermost core. Oh and especially when even they dont know how to react. Is it a gift? or am I come across as too brash? Dare I bare my raw mind and soul to somebody?

nobody ever fucking knows. thats why everybody is always afraid of me, or hesitant of me.

I would love to spend time with certain people. But i hesitate even at them these past few days. I should like to be with them this very second, but I cant bring myself to rouse them. I feel constantly surrounded by all the things I want and love, but I still feel so empty. these certain people make me feel whole and alive. To feel alive, to feel warm, to let the sun shine through my eyes. Its because of them I dont look away.

Lately I dont even know how to control my emotions, my thoughts.. anything. Im so unmotivated, yet so busy all the time. I dont feel as if I ever get a moment to stop and contemplate, and when I do I cant slow it all down enough to make sense.

I told myself last monday I would give this phase 2 weeks.. and I would re-evaluate where i stood, and if it is to be in the same place. Then I will make a move into the future.
Until then I'm stuck wondering..and forcing myself to participate in this game of life, and not let my person be distracted by my self.

Today, I feel began with the foreboding sense of "waste".
I woke up extremely late due to having gone to bed at nearly 7am. That, not by choice. But one more day without sleep and I would have been extremely bewildered, indeed.

I was finally coherent at 1:30. I was none too pleased with this, and it set my day back tremendously. However Dustin did ALL of my laundry (pretty much). which I find impressive. I wish he had done that more often in the past. Alot of the plans I had begun the day with were never fulfilled, or they changed halfway through. I usually hate it when that happens.. But instead of being hyper-social like I usually am on weekends, I got to be with the people I enjoy the most.. and only them.

Most of today I was very relaxed. I had quite alot on my mind and feel like I have been run all over the world. But I find that now that the day is through and i'm laying in bed, it all seems so small. I suppose i'm just rather pleased for some reason.
I have an odd sense of justification and hope running through my mind and body tonight.

Tomorrow ( or rather later on today) is going to be another rushing to and fro day. I so desperately want a quiet day with no ties and no obligations to deal with. I feel like that day is very far away. Mostly I would just appreciate the time to sit on my horse (who is now home). Monday will be no better, however it should prove to be exceedingly fun in the end.

Lixalicious night at Cstreet is monday, and apparently Demo is coming out of his hidey-hole to join Jamie, Twiggy, Chelsea and I. Wich means the best "core" people will be out for the festivities. I can say i'm rather nervous, however. I have never been to a fetish night at this club. And allthough i'm looking forward to it, I do believe we are Jamie's "assistants"..wich means I could possibly be up on the stage -with- her. I had originally planned to go out in some of the pony-play gear i'm working on, but if i'm going to be part of the-center-of-attention, i'm not entirely sure I want to draw more eyes on myself.
..sheesh.

That statement makes me think back to the beginning of the summer when I was afraid to so much as dance in public, or sing with friends in the car. bah! Gone are those days! Now the public must put up with my stompy-flail and my friends have to deal with my singing. ha!

I am very excited Demo is coming out. He dosent do this often, two weeks in a row. I have been speaking with him on a more frequent basis, and although I can tell Dustin is jealous as all hell he can deal with it. I know i'm playing with fire even mentioning him in here, but I could care less. This journal is the source for burns lately, i'm such a masochist to provoke it more. (though i mean nothing by it)..anyhow.
So yes, this man is coming out and it makes me quite happy. ..This past friday he got me to play "Munchkin" with some friends of his, with bonus Anime movies! It was nice to go out, but not "party". As well as indulge in a bit more mature conversation than I am use to lately. I'm finding more and more, that I want to be around people my age.

With that, I am bored of writing.
off to bed. Thank sweet baby jesus these days all the means is click post and close m laptop. I do dearly love this Macbook.

Not even whats in your head is safe

Im laying here in bed writing, though my eyes are blurry and i need to shower and sleep before I run off and attempt to create a trampoline with the kids.
..damned trampolines.

for some reason I feel compelled to write these past few days. despite the fact that writing here causes and uproar or backlash of some type. This place was always meant to provide insight and an inside view into the mind of a maniacal white pony. Instead it generally (as i see it) is fuel for fights and succeeds in creating a morbid curiosity ( from those around me) in what i'm supposedly "really doing". ( see; my life is far more boring than it appears and sounds).

I'm exceedingly exhausted, but I see sleep as no fit remedy for any kind of want for rest. I should just meditate..or eat. wait I already ate.
I'm not sure what to do, and i'm not entirely too certain as to what to expect from this day. I do have several plans that will prove to make me busy most of today. I would like to try and fit some home time in at some point before the weekend starts ( weekends here in never never land being friday, and end tuesday around 6am).

..i have a hangnail and it feels cool while I type

I have this looming task list for the day and the more I ponder it the more I consider tackling it instead of attempting to rest. I have some of the weirdest dreams and relevant nightmares lately. its increasingly bizarre, and makes sleep less than appealing. No, I will do it one better. Dustin now has a twitter account.. Im not too entirely sure what to make of that. I think I like it but i'm not sure yet. we shall see how often he really uses it (or if he figures out he can send free tweets from his phone)

I'm really jumping around on subjects here. the content of this entry is pointless.. more or less I enjoy the feeling of the keys on my MacbookPro.

That and I refuse to make entries private on here, and desperately want to write but have no clue as to what I so desperately want to write about..I suppose I desire to ramble. I did that earlier with Twiggy.

My bedroom smells like fermenting fruit..humm.

I think I like this style of blogging better.. random bullshit. I find it highly more amusing later on than the picture posts, rants and etc that generally gets blogged here. Jesus, if i didnt know better I would definitely say I was intoxicated. However, I'm definitely sober.

Somehow this is relevant, i swear..

Oh, dear journal.
Sometimes I feel I come back to lean on your null and ever droning space. Even if only for a second and as of late to only pour out the pieces that need to be spent.

I'm rather tired of this nonsense. It is quite fun but practiced as religion, becomes rather stale after a few months week or so.
Too much running, too many people. Too much waste and not enough quiet.

I can't ever tell you who's most important to me right now, or who strikes my fancy at any given moment. For one its against my personal (cheezeits) promise to a certain person, and for another its not particularly the internets buissness.. I don't know where I ever got the thought that it was.

As of this moment I'm sitting on a couch at my grandmas. Drained, pleased, and much about myself right now. I really should sleep, or at least nap. But I can't for all the rapture in my glorious headmeats. Sick, I know. I torture myself because I'm happy.

..maybe its because its quiet and dose not smell like cats here. Yes, this must be it. I can get a thought in edgewise without my nasal passages being assaulted by the smell of cat urine.
..I'm going to choke Casey. Seriously. Only on my clothes, and ONLY when they are clean.

There are so very many things to do once again today, and for once I think I shall succumb to a "me" day. Finally.

Hello cool dark bedroom, goodbye plans, people, and all other things that go with having a social life.
I forgot what it was like to shut up and exist.